American Buddhist Net

Our prophecy The Shopocalypse, was once called “a parody” and “a comedy routine” and “blasphemous.” Now it is SO true that it is in bad taste to repeat it. For, we Americans have shopped ourselves to death. We walk in THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEBT, and still we cannot stop – we want to shop more. We have $700 billion on our credit card, or do we have nothing at all? We're not sure.

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2 minutes, 30 seconds. Don't miss this one! ABN
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Those of you who find this quasi-tongue-in-cheek map amusing are, most likely, the same folks who aid and abet gentrification -- i.e., those who find Stuff White People Like rather droll. But seeing as how we'd displace all of South America for a studio apartment in the Tender Nob, so do we. Alas.

What are we talking about? Gentrify. What is it? A map of San Francisco that allows you to find the nearest Buddhist temple, pot clinic, cheese shop, crepe hawker, farmers market, pilates studio, midwife, shrink, or synagogue.

Gentrify also let's you find a sweet, overpriced apartment or house in the neighborhood of your choice.

Now hop to it! This city won't gentrify itself.

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...Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Fun footage, silly soundtrack. About 3 1/2 minutes long. Robyn
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Saturday Night Live's sketch about the vice presidential debate starred Queen Latifah as debate moderator Gwen Ifill, as well as Tina Fey, reprising her role as Governor Sarah Palin.

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...Soetsu Yanagi (1889-1961) was one of the founders of the Shirakaba group and journal which brought together, from 1910 onwards, intellectuals attracted to Western literature and art. Along with the English potter Bernard Leach, he took an interest in the Arts and Crafts movement, discovered William Blake and Walt Whitman, and shared the belief that "the future progress of mankind will depend on the mutual understanding between the East and the West”. With a universal spirit, and a keen interest in esotericism and European mysticism, he was greatly influenced by Buddhist thought and "The Way of Tea".

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Known primarily for his many classic novels like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain was also a great humorist and lecturer, and his folksy wisdom has maintained its popularity since his death. Unafraid to voice his opinions, his famous aphorisms hold profound thoughts wrapped in just the right bit of humor. Let's take a look at a few of the most interesting:

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Palin is interesting because her main qualifications are the basics--good looks, "self-confidence," and ambition. She is a symbol of the emptiness of symbols. ABN
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Video at bottom of linked page. Made me laugh. ABN
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Tina Fey reprised her role as vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live, mocking the governor's recent interview with Katie Couric of CBS.

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Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

WASILLA, AK - Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

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1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations

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CLARE POLLARD has better things to do.

I am a woman. According to the lazy, offensive generalizations of popular culture, this means that I’m constantly worried about the size of my arse, addicted to chocolate, from Venus, and I love - I mean absolutely LOVE - shopping.

Arseless, cheese-loving earth dweller though I am, it’s the shopping part that most annoys me. It’s always a big joke - woman drags bored man around the mall, him moaning about missing Man City away, her orgasmic over those cutting-edge red patent courts… But it’s actually not that funny. I find the mugs you can buy teenage girls in cards shops, with their jaunty cartoon characters and motto: BORN TO SHOP as depressing as the little girl’s T-shirts that say PRINCESS. Shopping is not a leisure activity. Shopping is for when you want to buy things, which unless you’re incredibly rich or indecisive - and give or take the odd trip to Tesco for bread, wine and loo roll - really shouldn’t take up more than a couple of hours of your month.

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Do you work in a large office building? Then you should know about this recently discovered flaw in ALL EXISTING BUILDING CODES AND FIRE REGULATIONS that could cause the complete collapse of your office building. For more information on this phenonmenon, please email NIST at wtc@nist.gov

...Oh, I have a few quibbles. The Chinese language, for example. I'm beginning to suspect that even the Chinese don't really understand it, especially the writing. Time after time I sat in an idling taxi, helpless, while the driver conferred with an impromptu roadside committee of Chinese people trying to puzzle out the meaning of card with an address consisting of maybe eight Chinese characters.

My question is: What can possibly be so mysterious about an address? I mean, you have a number and a street, like "216 Broadway," right? But I've concluded that the Chinese address format is more along the lines of: "Drive to the Temple of Divine Heavenly Holiness. Look for a rock shaped like a squatting dog. Then drive 478 paces north. There you will find an old man in a green hat. Tell this man, 'The weasel burps at dawn.' Then ..."

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